intimacy exercises
Intimacy practices are about creating a safe space to be vulnerable. The level of honesty and openness you bring will determine the depth of the experience. Engage in these practices when you are both feeling resourced and present. Listen to your partner without judgement and give them your full attention. Intimacy is about getting emotionally naked and being seen in your full expression. This in an invitation to show up for what is present and alive in your partner, seeing them through the lens of love and listening with your heart. If something comes up during the practice that needs to be discussed, do your best to wait until the practice is complete and schedule a time in the future to talk.
Desires, Fears, and Loves
This exercise is done sitting across from each other comfortably, ideally very close together. Laying down and facing each other is another nice position.
You will take turns asking each other questions.
Remember, as you are asking each of the questions, don’t change the question and don’t get into a conversation.
When your partner is talking, you are fully listening. That is what makes this exercise work.
This creates a sense of safety, knowing that your partner is fully listening to you and is not going to try to fix, change or judge you.
They are just here to listen to what you have to say.
Until the the time is up, keep asking your partner the same question if you are asking the questions or keep sharing if you are sharing. If you feel as though you’ve hit a kind of limit or wall with the question, just close your eyes and feel inside, and take as long as you need until you have something to share, but keep going.
The repeated question is designed to allow you to go deeper and deeper, and to think about things.
Decide which one of you will be partner A and partner B.
‘Desires’ and ‘Fears’ can be about anything that is alive for you. ‘Loves’ are what you love about the person sitting across from you.
Step 1
Partner A will ask partner B:
• What do you desire, or, what do you really want?
When partner B pauses, stops and comes to a natural finish, partner A says “thank you.” Partner A will repeat this question over and over again, listening to partner B’s response, and saying “thank you” whenever partner B pauses or stops their sharing.
Partner B, when you answer the question, feel inside and let yourself express. Don’t judge or filter. Share whatever is inside of you with partner A.
A good time for this process is about 2 minutes for each question period, but you can extend it to 3 minutes if the couple has more time.
Set a timer for each round of this practice.
Thank each other for this process, and then switch roles, so that partner B returns the question to partner A:
• What do you desire, or, what do you really want?
Follow the same process, and partner B purely listens and says “thank you,” and then repeats the question.
After two minutes, thank each other again.
Step 2
Now do the same process with the next question. Partner A, ask partner B:
• What are you afraid of?
After two minutes, thank each other, and then switch so that partner B asks partner A the same question.
Again, after two minutes, thank each other and move on to the next question.
Step 3
Partner A, ask partner B:
• What do you love about me?
Again, when partner B pauses or comes to a natural stop, say thank you and then repeat the question again. After two minutes, thank each other and switch again.
Partner B, ask partner A:
• What do you love about me?
Step 4
After this is finished, you may want to move on to another practice, hugging/cuddling or lovemaking.
Also, you want to try as much as possible to not hold on to what your partner said, feel aggrieved or judge them.
In a few cases, if they said something that you really need to talk about, remember to do this in the most delicate and loving way. Take full responsibility for whatever you are triggered by and very gently discuss it with your partner. It may be supportive to choose a different time to discuss it and allow time to integrate this practice.
The Reveal
Choose a topic that you are struggling with as a couple, or that you want to explore more deeply. You can choose something that is challenging for you and that causes arguing, or choose something that is amazing, or something that surrounds a decision that you want to make together where more clarity and exploration is needed.
Decide who will be partner A, and who is partner B.
Pick an amount of time that works for you. My suggestion is seven minutes, as this is a good time to go deep into a topic, but you can do more or less time depending on your needs.
When the bell rings and the exercise is finished, you can integrate and discuss, but it’s so important for this exercise to feel safe. That means that you won’t attack your partner and you won’t start digging into them. If you want to discuss what just happened, do so as delicately and gently as possible. The fastest way to have your partner never do this with you again is by not making it safe for them.
You make it safe by understanding them and by continuing to love, respect and hold them even if things are said that are challenging to hear. You also want to own your reactions, feelings and thoughts that arise as a response to what they say.
Partner A is going to ask partner B a question that you want to explore more deeply as a couple. It can be, for example:
• What do you have on our love making?
• What comes up for you around arguing?
• What do you feel about safety?
Be careful about how you structure the question, because the answer and clarity that you get will be based on the specific words that you use. Using the words “what do you feel about” or “what do you think about,” will produce two different answers. Also, if you want to receive a more open response, you can use the words “what do you have on.”
For the partner who is responding: When your partner is asking you the questions, you want to scan inside of you and describe any feelings, sensations or thoughts. Basically, anything and everything that arises. The less that you filter yourself, even if something feels weird or strange, the more that you just speak it, the deeper your clarity around this issue will go.
For the person who is asking: When you are asking the question, don’t ever change the question; don’t interrupt; don’t answer or get into a conversation. You want to fully support your partner to respond in however way they need to respond and accept whatever comes up. If there is a pause or a break in the response, say ”thank you,” and ask the same question. Repeat this over and over again.
Step 1
Decide the question that you are going to pose for this reveal.
Step 2
Then partner A asks partner B that question and partner B reveals over and over again.
For partner A: Remember to not get into a conversation. Do not change the question, and do not interrupt. When partner B pauses or stops, say “thank you” and repeat the question.
For partner B: Let anything and everything float up from within you. Take down your filter and let yourself flow in your response.
Step 3
When the bell rings, thank each other for the process.
Then switch roles, so that partner B asks the reveal question to partner A. Ask the same question over and over again, and say “thank you” when partner A pauses or stops, and then repeat the question again. Set the timer and begin.
Step 4
When the bell rings, thank each other, and take some time to gently integrate what you just have explored and what this means to you as a couple. Be sensitive to creating a sense of emotional safety for your partner; meaning no matter what they have said or felt, you are here for them, you love them and you are going to take responsibility for yourself and your feelings.
Have an adult conversation and use what just have uncovered in the reveal to gain more clarity, insight and direction for yourselves as a couple.
